Books by Cathy Hamilton

I Love You More Than Beer : And 99 Other Declarations of a Guy's Adoration

I Love You More than Beer. . . contains one hundred professions of true love, guaranteed to elicit gratitude, giggles (and maybe a little late-night action) from its female recipients. Author Rex Hamilton identifies things that men really love-golf, barbecue, cars, computers, Monday Night Football, the lawn, and, of course, beer-and compares those things, in tongue-in-cheek style that's peppered with sexy double entendres, to a man's love for a good woman. The result is page after page of hilarious but heartfelt flattery and the perfect gift for

Valentine's Day, anniversaries, birthdays, or just to say "Hey babe, you rock!" For example:

"I love you more than beer. You taste better than beer (even those pricey microbrews), you're less filling, and when I've had more of you than the law should allow, I can still drive.

"I love you more than golf. You're more fun to hold than the sweetest putter. I can score with you, even in bad weather. And you'd never penalize me for slow play.

Whether a guy needs to just say, "I love you," or needs a ticket out of the doghouse, I Love You More Than Beer is the perfect offering.

Who Else but a Mother?

How do you thank a mom who goes above and beyond her motherly duty? You could present her with clunky ceramic candlesticks made in third grade art class that she'll display at all times—even when company comes. Or there's Cathy Hamilton's latest book, Who Else but a Mother?, which celebrates Mom and all the quirky and heroic ways she keeps her household held together—occasionally with the aid of superglue.

After all, who else but a mother . . .

• Would smile and pretend that everything is perfectly normal, even though her precious child is standing stark naked in the middle of her dinner party?

Dadgummit : More Dadisms

Fathers are a rare, special breed, prone to over-the-top yet endearing behaviors that set them apart from the rest of humanity. After all, what makes Vacation's Clark Griswold so funny? Because he epitomizes a blend of millions of daffy dads! Now comes a book to honor the fatherly Griswold in your life.

Who else but a father . . .

" Would stand in the pouring rain, ankle-deep in the mud, to watch a peewee football game on the off chance that his kid might be put in during the fourth quarter?

Dadgummit : More Dadisms

Rule #1 in the parenting handbook: "Keep 'em off guard." Then along comes Cathy Hamilton (a forty-something mother of two, by the way) who blows the whole cover for fatherdom. Okay, Dad will still have a trick or two up his sleeve, but Dadgummit goes a long way toward giving the "other side" some boisterously entertaining explanations about parental messages. Consider the author's take on this dadism: "Let's nip this in the bud right now." Dads love nipping things in the bud. Some dads could go around bud-nipping all day. Among the most nippable . . . cussing, budding young romance, and a daughter's dreams of becoming a Vegas showgirl. Dadgummit knows just where Dad is coming from . . . and fatherhood will never be the same.

Mom's the Word : More Momisms

Rule #1 in the parenting handbook: "Keep 'em off guard." Then along comes Cathy Hamilton (a forty-something mother of two, by the way) who blows the whole cover for motherdom. Okay, Mom will still have a trick or two up her sleeve, but Mom's the Word goes a long way toward giving the "other side" some boisterously entertaining explanations about parental messages. Consider the author's take on this momism: "I'm so mad at you I can't see straight." This is what Mom says when she's boiling, raging, over-the-top angry. It should not be taken literally, but if Mom happens to be driving when she screams these words, better encourage her to pull over . . . just in case. Mom's the Word knows just where Mom is coming from . . . and motherhood will never be the same.

Over-the-Hillisms: What they say and what they really mean

In the tradition and tongue-in-cheek style of her other successful 'ism' books, Cathy Hamilton offers the definitive guide to understanding the secret language of the "chronologically challenged." A great gift idea for anyone turning 40, 50 or any milestone age, Over The Hillisms is a hilarious collection of expressions and phrases used by oldsters everywhere. Examples include: "Sex, sex, sex. That's all anyone thinks about these days" which is translated to mean: "I remember sex. It's all I used to think about. But now, what's the point?" Middle-aged readers will find themselves laughing (or crying) to discover they've already uttered several of the documented 104 OTHisms such as "I'm having a senior moment", "That was before you were born", and "Now where do you suppose I parked?"

The Girlfriends' Bible on Dating, Mating, and Other Matters of the Flesh

The Girlfriends' Bible on Dating, Mating, and Other Matters of the Flesh, the hilarious, irreverent follow-up to her Girlfriends' Bible.

Featuring such chapters as "The Book of Brittany" and "The Book of Zoe," each focusing on a theme related to sex and dating, this "bible" preaches on such subjects as bad boys, singles bars, blind dates, one-night stands, breakups, rules of engagement, and more. Mock bible verses set up each topic:

" "Together we shall roam Creation in search of the perfect man, even though we know he may not exist of this Earth. For we are nothing if not incurable romantics with impossibly high expectations. And it is good."

" "And if you should find a man who is judged to be fitting, I shall say 'Yea!' and rejoice with you. And I shall not feel envy, lust, or greed. For you will have someone to protect, please, and pleasure you. And he will most certainly have a friend."

Hamilton's bible will encourage even skeptical singles to keep the faith.

The Girlfriend's Bible

Cathy Hamilton lays down the law, chapter and verse, for female relationships. Friendship between women is sacred. The Girlfriend's Bible is filled with hilarious "scriptures" that women can and do live by. What a divine way to tell your best gal pal how valuable that friendship is.

Women of all ages will find bits of inspirational encouragement on every page:

• "Yea, though you walk through the valley of cracked sidewalks in high heels, do not fear. For I will be there to pick you up when you fall on your ass."
• "When you are heavy laden with PMS poundage, I will take your burden for you and deny thy girth."
• "I shalt not steal your boyfriend, hairdo, or signature color."
• "When you get older, I shall forsake you not. For friends are like wine - the older, the better. You can get equally drunk with old or new wine. But intoxication with old wine is far more pleasurable."
• "If your cup runneth over because your bra is too small and you look like a common whore, I will tell you, just as you would tell me about a visible panty line."

Kidisms: What they say and what they really mean

Since the dawn of time, the peanut gallery has been driving their parents crazy occasionally entertaining them with the same phrases uttered over and over and over again. Kids are never neutral on any subject. Nor are they always understood. That's why Cathy Hamilton has written Kidisms, a book of kidspeak translations for the parentally challenged. It explains timeless phrases used by all children. Are we there yet? Children under the age of 25 have no concept of time, especially while traveling cross-country without the calming effects of an Enya CD or Auto Bingo. The average kid will ask this question every five to ten miles unless his parents can explain the estimated time of arrival in terms he can comprehend: "Okay, pay attention. We left our house at the beginning of Sesame Street and we need to drive through Blue's Clues, Barney, I Love Lucy, and The Gong Show. We won't arrive at the hotel until the end of Nick at Nite. Got it?" Other gems translated for the first time: I know you are, but what am I? Where do babies come from? He started it! But Dad already said I could!

Momisms: What she says and what she really means

Those who suspect their parents took secret courses on "How to Confuse and Conquer with Enigmatic Utterances" won't be surprised to learn there are indeed clandestine languages for parents. And here are the books that decipher them. Finally, Dad's ambiguous responses like "Go ask your mother," cryptic commands such as "Don't make me pull this car over," and the puzzling question, "Do you think I'm made of money?" are explained in comic detail in this handy reference. And Mom's warnings, "Don't you ever let me catch you doing that again!" (implying that you can do it, I just don't want to find out about it) and probes, "Is that what you're going to wear?" are made clear. (Translation of the Last Momism: "I wouldn't be caught DEAD in that outfit.") Dadism and Momisms compile these silly turns of phrases handed down from time immemorial. Interpreted for the new century, each one is translated with tongue-in-cheek humor and insight.

Dadisms: What he says and what he really means

Those who suspect their parents took secret courses on "How to Confuse and Conquer with Enigmatic Utterances" won't be surprised to learn there are indeed clandestine languages for parents. And here are the books that decipher them. Finally, Dad's ambiguous responses like "Go ask your mother," cryptic commands such as "Don't make me pull this car over," and the puzzling question, "Do you think I'm made of money?" are explained in comic detail in this handy reference. And Mom's warnings, "Don't you ever let me catch you doing that again!" (implying that you can do it, I just don't want to find out about it) and probes, "Is that what you're going to wear?" are made clear. (Translation of the Last Momism: "I wouldn't be caught DEAD in that outfit.") Dadism and Momisms compile these silly turns of phrases handed down from time immemorial. Interpreted for the new century, each one is translated with tongue-in-cheek humor and insight.

Our Syndromes, Ourselves

The antithesis of every medical guide and health how-to, Our Syndromes, Ourselves exposes the humorous side of female complaints, real and admittedly fabricated. From PMS to Empty Nest Syndrome to recently identified conditions such as Dr. Lauranoia, Road Rag, and VADD (Vehicular Attention Deficit Disorder.)

Sex and Dating

Women already know the "girl codes" deep down, but will appreciate these "refresher courses." And for those who want to understand the fair sex (like men!), these two books are handy cheat-sheets. Both books are packed with advice. On sex: "Never make out with a guy in front of a girl who's alone. Exception: If you haven't been kissed since the '80's, she'll understand." On dieting and other weighty issues: "Friends don't let friends wear fanny packs." Witty and wild, these volumes make the perfect gift for girls of every age.

Dieting and other Weighty Issues

Women already know the "girl codes" deep down, but will appreciate these "refresher courses." And for those who want to understand the fair sex (like men!), these two books are handy cheat-sheets. Both books are packed with advice. On sex: "Never make out with a guy in front of a girl who's alone. Exception: If you haven't been kissed since the '80's, she'll understand." On dieting and other weighty issues: "Friends don't let friends wear fanny packs." Witty and wild, these volumes make the perfect gift for girls of every age.

Diet... My Arse

This humorous look at dieting provides reasons why it's best not to diet at all and offers advice such as: food eaten standing up has no calories; any food eaten with fingers has no calories; and people with PMT can absorb twice as many calories and not put on weight.

Available in the U.K., or from Amazon.co.uk